Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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