sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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