and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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