the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
