I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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