OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
