i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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