I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
