The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
