I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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