Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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