Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
