I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
