dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Randomize
