My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
