well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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