if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
