How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
