I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
