he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
