Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Two words: blizzard sex
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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