she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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