i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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