i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
