im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
This toilet bowl is my home.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
