drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
