Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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