so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
