I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
