Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
