i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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