Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
