she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
