He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
