I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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