Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
