Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
