I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
