You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
