he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wish you could order shots online.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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