I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
