Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
