I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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