Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
