Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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