Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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