he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
