this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
