I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
