I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
